The Evolution of the Corporate Vice President

The Corporate Vice President, or Corpus Evictus-cya, has a strange evolutionary history. Its appearance on our planet began about 20 years ago, although the exact date is still unknown. Records back in those days were somewhat informal, and largely incomplete. However, one thing is clear: The species began as what many believe to be real, live, human beings, before evolving into the familiar jellyfish we all know in today's mutated version. But how did it get here? Is it going to continue evolving; perhaps grow a spine; perhaps have a useful purpose in Corporate America? Don't count on it.

However, understanding the evolutionary history of the Corpus Evictus-cya will help us prepare for whatever it has in store for future generations of backstabbing victims. With enough knowledge, perhaps our children's children will live in some better world; with no budget deficits, bailouts or government subsidies. We can only hope.

For the purposes of this particular study, the "Corporate Vice President" will simply be referred to as the "CVP"; those they undermine will be referred to as "us", or "we"; the hard working business people in Corporate America who try to be productive in our jobs; and who try to engage employees in being productive, as well, with no hidden agendas. Despite the insidious nature of the CVP, we aren't on the verge of extinction - yet. Strangely enough, we outnumber CVPs by a wide margin, although they possess the lethal backstabbing capabilities which can be unleashed at any moment; preparation is our best defense.

The most often asked question I've encountered is simply, "Where did they come from; why are they here?" From my research, it appears the CVP originated sometime around the end of the Reagan Administration, although there is no direct link between politics and Corporate America, as far as the early stages of CVP development is concerned. Early forms of CVP appeared friendly; even useful. They demonstrated human characteristics, seemed to have a logical thought process, and showed no signs of malice. Certainly, they possessed tremendous strength, and were capable of killing us at the drop of a hat; but they were good-natured and friendly; they liked us and wanted us to continue our evolutionary journey, just as much as we wanted to keep going. It seemed to be a good balance of nature.

Then, sometime in the early '90s, something happened to our common sense; it seemed to go away. It all started with the legal system; wrongful termination lawsuits started proliferating, along with sexual harrasment lawsuits; then, it seemed like everyone was being discriminated against, in one way or another. This was good news for the attorneys in America; and whatever is good news for attorneys means bad news for the vast majority of honest, hard-working people. Even businesses that had good intentions were becoming victimized by the malicious attorneys looking to score a jackpot for their scumbag clients; soon, most big businesses in Corporate America were being run in a climate of fear and loathing; and that's when the CVPs began losing their "human" characteristics; early forms of CVP resembled rodent-like animals in the wild - the badger and the weasel were the most common forms of CVP; they were dangerous but were so hostile, or slovenly that they could be warded off with a clever approach. Some forms of CVP were amusing, but you could tell that they had devious intentions by listening to their diatribes; they spoke in riddles; corporate speak. It sounded good, but the recipients knew it was for show.

The CVP knew the game had long since evolved into a matter of "kill or be killed"; they knew their best chance for survival with the CEOs of Corporate America was to stay out of harm's way, while throwing others under the bus. That's when their spines disappeared; and that's when they became even more lethal - they lulled their victims into a false sense of security by disappearing into their cubicles, and slithering around the corporate office, trying to avoid any contact with the CEOs or their agents of doom - the second or third in command.

Of course, eventually, the CVPs had to come out of hiding and make their presense felt with those they "supervise"; to justify their existence, they knew they had to start creating problems - which only they could fix. The problems, were of course, "us". "We" were somehow screwing something or other up; it didn't matter if the problems were fictitious; all that mattered was the problems needed to be addressed.

When "addressing" the problems; or the "issues"; the CVP's lack of a spine comes in handy; it enables them to deal with all that stress from the CEOs without sustaining any damage to their organs; and because they're so flexible, they fit almost anywhere, and are easy to care for. They never complain; and they never say anything that will cause the CEOs any aggravation. In short, they've evolved into the perfect life form for survival in Corporate America.

Is it any wonder we're in the shape we're in today? The solution is simple; but who's going to do it? Who's going to get rid of the spineless jellyfish known as the Corporate Vice President? It's going to take the enlightened CEO with enough sense to realize this species should be extinct by now; they're no longer needed.

In fact, if the CEOs don't realize this very soon, they may find themselves becoming extinct, as well.

For my first hand account of life in Corporate America, buy my book: Life Under the Corporate Microscope on Amazon: http://bit.ly/b2pBY or visit my author's webpage: www.outskirtspress.com/LarryUnderwood

Corporate America's Love Affair With Washington, DC

It doesn't matter if a liberal Democrat or a conservative Republican is in the White House; nor does it matter which party is controlling Congress.

What matters for the vast majority of fat cat CEOs in Corporate America is being able to manipulate those politicians running this country; to follow their specific agendas, which may or may not be so good for "we, the people", or the overall economy.

Although most big corporations prefer to have a Republican administration running the country (only because manipulating them is easier), they'll act like good Democrats if necessary; they're very good chameleons.

What makes them good chameleons is money.

Money is used to control legislation, and it's all very legal. The conveniently legal way to pay off politicians is through lobbyists, who are paid by the CEOs to pay off the politicians.

Say hello to Corporate America and Washington DC's little friend: The Political Action Committee, aka "PAC" (man).

Personally, I think the politicians should receive no extra compensation for doing their jobs. Instead, they're taking money from the fat cats in exchange for favorable legislation to keep the fat cats fat.

This is nothing new. It's been going on for ages. It'll keep going on for ages. Money has power and Washington DC's power brokers call the shots---to a certain extent. There's a beautiful balance of corruption there, however. The power brokers need the fat cats' money, so the nefarious relationship will always endure. And "we the people" are screwed.

Sure, "we" can vote the corrupt politicians out of office, but there's a two to four year lag time of corruption taking place. Besides, since the corruption---the payola---is across the board, there's really no difference between the power brokers. They're really all the same; and they can never, ever be trusted. Never, ever.

As millions of Americans are increasingly frustrated with the current adminstration's handling of every issue imaginable; remember this---Corporate America (along with the liberal media) is engaged in a (slobbering?) love affair with Barrack Hussein Obama---The Master of Economic Trauma.

How else do you explain all the bailouts? In a true free-market economy, bailouts would be a preposterous notion. However, this isn't a true free-market economy.

The Federal Government is controlling the economy, and doing a lousy job of it. We're becoming a socialistic bailout nation, with little regard for the financial implications. Why? Politicians don't care about the long-term effects of their poor economic policy. They care about one thing, and one thing only: MONEY.

And Corporate America will keep doling it out, to keep this vicious cycle of corruption going.

Ironically, MONEY does make the world go 'round. The people who have it, often don't deserve it. Welcome to Obama Nation.

Larry Underwood is the Author of  Life Under the Corporate Microscope---A Maverick's Irreverent Perspective http://www/outskirtspress.com/LarryUnderwood

Considering a Career with Enterprise Rent-a-Car? Read my Book First!

I got lucky.  I needed to find a job in a hurry; I'd just been laid off from Georgia Pacific due to the collapse in the housing market - not this one - the one from 1974.  After a bunch of worthless job interviews from a varitey of sources from the "now hiring" section in the St Louis Post Dispatch, I randomly selected an employment agency, located in downtown St Louis, talked to some guy named Bill or Billy or Bud; to tell you the truth, I don't remember any of those details.

What I do remember was this guy immediately took one look at me (I was conservatively clean-cut and a bit dorky), and sold me on the fact that I was "Executive Leasing" material.  "Executive Leasing" later had a name change operation, becoming "Enterprise Leasing", and then the final one which made them the world-famous "Enterprise Rent-a-Car".

I was quickly dispatched to conduct an interview with a gentleman by the name of Wayne Kaufmann and was advised to be especially enthusiastic and whatnot since Mr Kaufmann supposedly hires just one out of every ten applicants.  Of course, that was nonsense, but his strategy had merit; I was on my best behavior during the interview, appearing to be totally engrossed with everything I heard.

With Kaufmann satisfied that I possessed the necessary mind-set to work 60 hours a week for minimal pay, he quickly shuffled me over to meet with his boss - a terrifyingly charming and gregarious gentleman by the name of Doug Brown.  I continued my strategy of appearing to be completely thrilled with everything I heard; somehow uttering appropriate responses to mundane pieces of information which made absolutely no sense to me, whatsoever.

Just like that, I had unwittingly - yet successfully - navigated my way through that brief encounter with the scary Mr Brown; the very next day - much to my astonishment - Kaufmann called to offer me the job.  Strangely enough, I didn't immediately accept the offer; I had another one on the table, so I had to give this crucial decision some serious thought, carefully weighing the pros and cons of each career scenario.  As I recall, I turned down the chance to sell office supplies for some outfit that has probably gone out of business by now; unwittingly, I made the best decision of my life when I mysteriously went down that car rental career path.

Nowadays, Enterprise hires more recent college graduates than any other company in North America; the process has become a bit more complicated and drawn out, with various HR people putting applicants through a series of interviews with a wide variety of lower to mid-level management people.  For applicants who are able to maintain that high enthusiasm level for a few additional rounds of interrogation,  the chances of getting hired are probably still as good as when I hooked on way back in 1974.

I spent 26 years with Enterprise, becoming one of its highest ranking officers.  I witnessed, firsthand, the transformation of a small, regional company to international corporate giant; a giant that is cold and  humorless, instilling a culture of "fear" throughout the organization.  Unfortunately, most big corporations operate in this manner; there is little escape from insidious micromanagement, corporate politics, and ultimately, backstabbing.  Welcome to corporate America.

I wrote a fascinating and brutally honest account of my long and successful career with Enterprise - Life Under the Corporate Microscope - A Maverick's Irreverent Perspective - I would encourage anyone considering a career with Enterprise Rent-a-Car to read it; consider it a road map to help navigate through the frequently treacherous corporate landscape in front of them.

By the way, it's not only informative, it's hilarious.  You have my word on it.  For further information, check out my website:   http://www.outskirtspress.com/LarryUnderwood