Sunday, April 19, 2020

George Bailey in 2020: "It's A Wonderful Life Without Trump"

Bartender George Bailey - who voted for Trump in 2016 - is now out of work, thanks to the coronavirus pandemic that is sweeping the nation.  He had been living paycheck to paycheck to begin with; another hard-working Trump supporter who never benefited from the 2017 tax cut for the upper 1%; and he certainly couldn't afford to invest in the stock market - which is now crashing, anyway.

Disillusioned and desperate to provide for his wife Mary and their four kids, George has decided to take his own life.  It seemed to be the only way out of this predicament.  His $250,000 life insurance policy should provide for the family until Mary finds a job as a librarian - her one true passion in life.  But that could take time, what with social distancing and all.

Before George can jump off that Bedford Falls bridge, his guardian angel, Clarence, sneaks up behind him:  "Hey George!  Don't jump!  There's no point in both of us getting wet!"

"Mind your own business, old man!  I've got to kill myself to take care of my family!  Damn this pandemic!  Damn that Donald Trump!  I wish I'd never voted for him!  I wish he'd never been born!"

He wishes Donald J. Trump had never been born?  Hmm.

Suddenly, what had once been a hot muggy, overcast day turned cooler, as the clouds dispersed, the air freshened, and birds began chirping; more birds than George could remember seeing for the last three years.

"C'mon, George, let's head over to that sports bar and grab some breakfast.  I'm starving!"

"What are you talking about, old man?  That's where I used to work!  That place has been shut down for the last six weeks!  Where have you been?  Customers aren't going out anymore!"

"George, please call me 'Clarence'.  I'm your guardian angel, remember?"  Clarence grabs George by the arm and drags him over to Martini's Sports Bar, which is unusually busy for a Thursday morning .

"Hey, why are there so many cars in the parking lot?  What's going on?"

"This place never closed, George.  Because Trump had never been born."

Inside, a confused George enters the bustling establishment where his boss Mr. Martini shouts out, "Hey George, am I glad to see you!  Wendy can't work her shift tomorrow.  Can you cover for her?  Thanks George!"

Flabbergasted, George is about to respond to Mr. Martini, but before he can speak, Clarence taps him on the shoulder and says, "Hey George, let's grab some bacon and eggs, relax and watch some television.  Hey look, here's 'Fox and Friends', George.  Isn't this your favorite program?"

"Yeah, good old 'Fox and Friends'!  They'll make some sense out of what's going on!"

'Fox and Friends' Steve Doocy:  "Another tragic loss today, thanks to Hillary's incompetence!  This country has just suffered its 234th coronavirus death!  President Clinton should be impeached and thrown into jail right this very second!"  (Editor's Note:  In the real world, coronavirus deaths in the United States exceed 50,000.  Sadly, even in the non-Trump America, it's impossible to keep the death toll at zero.)

"Clarence, what the Hell is going on?"

"I told you George.  Trump had never been born!  Hillary defeated Ted Cruz in 2016.  That's why thousands of Americans never died.  She took immediate action all the way back in January, even before the first case of coronavirus was detected in this country.  She started testing immediately and was able to isolate the infected cases, put them in quarantine, so the country really never had to shut down."

Meanwhile, on ESPN: Updates on the NBA, MLB, NHL. On MLB Network, Harold Reynolds is gushing over the amazing start by Cards shortstop Paul DeJong:  "He's having an MVP type season!"

George can't believe what he's hearing.  "You mean they're playing baseball now?"

"Yes George.  Remember?  There is no Donald Trump.  Never has been.  Do you want to know how the NCAA Final Four turned out?  Or who won the Masters?"

By this time, George finally realizes what's happening is true.  Donald Trump had never been born, so he never had the chance to put America through its worse disaster since 9/11.  Actually, he thought, what Trump has done to America - and the world for that matter - is far worse than 9/11.

At this point, George grabs Clarence by the lapels of his old faded suit and pleads, "Don't take me back, Clarence!  Don't take me back!  Let's sing Auld Lang Syne now and end this movie, okay?"

"Sorry George, you're just going to have to vote him out in November.  Time to go back.  And don't try to kill yourself this time, okay?  I've got other disgruntled suicidal former Trump voters to deal with!"

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