Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A Prediction From America's Foremost Baseball Authority

Now, that's quite a bold statement---"America's foremost baseball authority" is making a prediction.  Never before have I gone so far out on a limb, but wtf...I know baseball, and I know the National League All-Stars will defeat the American League All-Stars in the game played later today in St Louis.

To me, that prediction is a no-brainer.  I mean, come on...The game is being played in St Louis, for crying out loud (home field advantage), and the National League lineup, led by the great Albert Pujols, is far superior to the one put together by the outmatched American League.

Say, "what"?  Oh, the last time the National League won the All-Star Game, Bill Clinton was President, and Monica Lewinsky was still an intern with very limited experience with smoking cigars.  The stock market was going through the biggest bull market of bull markets, and the Florida Marlins had yet to defeat the Cleveland Indians in the World Series...The New York Yankees were reigning World Series Champions after upsetting the previous World Series Champion Atlanta Braves...

That was a pretty long time ago, huh?  Conventional wisdom says the American League is incapable of losing the All Star Game.  Bullsh*t!  Conventional wisdom is wrong so often, you could write a book about all the ways it's been wrong in the history of mankind.  I won't even go into that, but "conventional stupididty" might be a better phrase...I rest my case.

So yes, my friends, you can take it from me, Uncle Larry; a guy who never lies and is always right!  Well, at least as far as you know.  But don't take my word for it.  Here's a brief sampling of my baseball expertise, compliments of a book I wrote, Life Under the Corporate Microscope.  I think this speaks for itself.  If not, I'll try better next time!

Chapter 4---"Tell Us Another Story, Uncle Larry"
"Anybody who knows me well knows I like to tell stories.  If the subject matter is baseball, I could go on for hours; actually, I have gone on for hours; I'm a regular baseball historian.
Thanks in large part to growing up in St Louis, where baseball is revered and understood far more than any simple 'pastime'; St Louis fans are widely regarded as the most knowledgeable in all of baseball...
As a franchise, the Cardinals have been successful in winning World Championships more than any other National League team, and rank second in all of baseball, with ten titles.  The New York Yankess are in the number one position, with 1,592 World Series Championships, as everyone knows; but they would've had 1,593 titles, had the Cardinals not beaten them, mercilessly, in the 1964 World Series (actually, the damned Yankees have won something like 26 World Series Championships).  How about that?"
I continue the chapter by discussing the exploits of a turn of the century ballplayer by the name of Dummy Hoy, who singlehandedly changed the game by forcing the umpires to use hand gestures to signal the outcome of a play...You see, Dummy Hoy (aka William Ellsworth Hoy) happened to be baseball's finest deaf mute player.  As the late great Paul Harvey would've said; "Now you know the rest of the story!"
You can look it up.  The reason umpires do those silly little hand gestures is the result of a tradition that was initiated to help a guy by the name of "Dummy", know precisely what the outcome of a given play was.  Thanks, Dummy, for being you!  This Bud's for you.
I'll bet you're wondering how I know so much about stupid little trivia like that.  I guess you could say...I'm just a lucky stiff.  Baseball's my life.  And baseball predictions are my business.  And business is good.  And won't I look like a complete idiot if I'm wrong?  Ha!  It won't happen.  You can take that one to the bank.
Disclaimer:  Results may vary.  Consult a doctor before taking any of my advice (a psychiatrist).
Larry Underwood wrote Life Under the Corporate Microscope---A Maverick's Irreverent Perspective

1 comment:

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